FOR REAL????

Did I really wait this long to post a blog???? well, I can explain...

I won't go into too much detail because I'm still going through alot! In March, my husband left me. Yes, he did. wow, that is the first time I wrote that. Im not gonna really go into why he left because my heart is trying to heal and that will be a post for another day! but I will say that I have been devastated, destroyed and in extreme pain. but you know what I found out through all of this...God is still faithful and He hurts when we hurt. I also realized how strong my sisters and parents are. They have helped carry me through some of the darkest moments of my life. Their unconditional love is something amazing. I have another blog which is supposed to be my journey http://www.jessd25.wordpress.com/ and I wrote a great blog about my sisters' strength when I was at my weakest. My 2 amazing daughters have kept me going too. Probably the most. There were days when I thought I couldn't do it, I couldn't get out of bed. But I saw their faces and heard their sweet voices and I remembered my purpose. I'm so thankful and feel so undeserving at times. life is getting easier and like I said, my heart is starting to heal. Its just a day to day process.

So, I will post a couple of pics, but I will update on the girls next time! and it wont be months from now I promise!

well...

I went to the doctor last week. I'm a very strong person, and sometimes I find it hard to admit when I need help. So, going in there to tell someone that isn't super close to me what's going on was hard. But I did it. And after lots of crying and talking, my doctor decided to put me on some medication for the time being. At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about that. 3 years ago, I was diagnosed by a different doctor as Manic-Depressive. I did do the medicine for awhile, but felt like God had delivered me from that dark place. Which I know He did! I have never been in that place before, in fact, this place feels much different. He called it Postpartum Depression. So, I have been taking the medication for a week now. I know it takes awhile to start feeling a difference, but man, I wish it would hurry. The only difference I feel is even more tired at the moment. I am still only sleeping a couple hours at night, which is better than none. But i am so tired! I do feel like if I get up and make myself do things, it gets better. I was never in an extremely dark or dangerous place, but I definitely felt like if I didn't get help soon I would be there. The anxiety I feel can be crippling, meaning, I can't do anything but lay in the bed and breathe. So, I'm trusting my doctor, and my God to heal me of this and get me where I wanna be. It's so hard to feel weak when you want to be strong. But I do know I serve the Healer and I'm believing that. 

On to miss Harper=) wow, she has become miss chatterbox lately. Saying "dadadada" and all sorts of little things. It's so cute and getting much louder in this house. I feel like she is trying to really talk to me now. And we are working on sitting up! And she is doing great, just a little more time and she'll be doing all the time on her own! We are down to 4 bottles a day, 1 jar of baby food, and oatmeal at night. She is growing soooo fast! I can't believe she will be 6 months old on the 27th! Time has flown by!  

So, thats all for now. Just keep me in your prayers. 

out with the old...in with the new!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year! We definitely did as we celebrated our family of 4. Christmas was so sweet and we laid low that day! My parents and sisters came by, but other than that, we were alone! It was really great! The girls had a great time and I actually cooked all day! 

So, I have been thinking hard if I wanted to blog about something I have been going through or not. After I thought more about it, I thought maybe someone could give a little insight on this situation.

For the last month or more, I have been dealing with some major anxiety and what felt like mild depression. I'm not even sure why. I really am happy in my marriage and with my kids. I have had some issues in other relationships in my life, but mainly, everything is going great! I haven't had the energy for anything and have been extremely on edge, which anyone who is a parent knows is not good with kids. I haven't "lost control", but have felt very close to it. I thought that it was just the time of year with so many birthdays and Christmas, plus the stress of an infant. But a few days ago, I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. And I was terrified for no reason! I thought that something really bad was going to happen to the girls, Jeremy, or my home. I couldn't stop crying. I finally fell asleep around 6am. Now, I am not one to lose control of myself like that, so I knew something wasn't normal. I talked with my sisters and my doctor. and I found out that post-partum depression can wait to show up til even 4 months later! I'm not saying I have that, but luckily, I have a doctors appointment Tuesday morning. I just want to feel at peace and have some relief. I am trying Kava and St. Johns Wort. I know that this is a common feeling for women with new babies and I feel support with other stories I have read. Just wondering if any other moms out there have experienced it this much later, and how you dealt with it?

Anyways, my life really is great! I'm trying to "weed" out some things in my life in this new year, starting with negative things and people. I am so tired of negativity, and I try to be there for people, but I can't do it if all it is negative. Also, trying to get my body back to pre-baby fit. That is going to be the hardest, since I HATE working out! Oh well...