FOR REAL????

Did I really wait this long to post a blog???? well, I can explain...

I won't go into too much detail because I'm still going through alot! In March, my husband left me. Yes, he did. wow, that is the first time I wrote that. Im not gonna really go into why he left because my heart is trying to heal and that will be a post for another day! but I will say that I have been devastated, destroyed and in extreme pain. but you know what I found out through all of this...God is still faithful and He hurts when we hurt. I also realized how strong my sisters and parents are. They have helped carry me through some of the darkest moments of my life. Their unconditional love is something amazing. I have another blog which is supposed to be my journey http://www.jessd25.wordpress.com/ and I wrote a great blog about my sisters' strength when I was at my weakest. My 2 amazing daughters have kept me going too. Probably the most. There were days when I thought I couldn't do it, I couldn't get out of bed. But I saw their faces and heard their sweet voices and I remembered my purpose. I'm so thankful and feel so undeserving at times. life is getting easier and like I said, my heart is starting to heal. Its just a day to day process.

So, I will post a couple of pics, but I will update on the girls next time! and it wont be months from now I promise!

well...

I went to the doctor last week. I'm a very strong person, and sometimes I find it hard to admit when I need help. So, going in there to tell someone that isn't super close to me what's going on was hard. But I did it. And after lots of crying and talking, my doctor decided to put me on some medication for the time being. At first, I wasn't sure how I felt about that. 3 years ago, I was diagnosed by a different doctor as Manic-Depressive. I did do the medicine for awhile, but felt like God had delivered me from that dark place. Which I know He did! I have never been in that place before, in fact, this place feels much different. He called it Postpartum Depression. So, I have been taking the medication for a week now. I know it takes awhile to start feeling a difference, but man, I wish it would hurry. The only difference I feel is even more tired at the moment. I am still only sleeping a couple hours at night, which is better than none. But i am so tired! I do feel like if I get up and make myself do things, it gets better. I was never in an extremely dark or dangerous place, but I definitely felt like if I didn't get help soon I would be there. The anxiety I feel can be crippling, meaning, I can't do anything but lay in the bed and breathe. So, I'm trusting my doctor, and my God to heal me of this and get me where I wanna be. It's so hard to feel weak when you want to be strong. But I do know I serve the Healer and I'm believing that. 

On to miss Harper=) wow, she has become miss chatterbox lately. Saying "dadadada" and all sorts of little things. It's so cute and getting much louder in this house. I feel like she is trying to really talk to me now. And we are working on sitting up! And she is doing great, just a little more time and she'll be doing all the time on her own! We are down to 4 bottles a day, 1 jar of baby food, and oatmeal at night. She is growing soooo fast! I can't believe she will be 6 months old on the 27th! Time has flown by!  

So, thats all for now. Just keep me in your prayers. 

out with the old...in with the new!

Happy New Year everyone! I hope everyone had a great Christmas and New Year! We definitely did as we celebrated our family of 4. Christmas was so sweet and we laid low that day! My parents and sisters came by, but other than that, we were alone! It was really great! The girls had a great time and I actually cooked all day! 

So, I have been thinking hard if I wanted to blog about something I have been going through or not. After I thought more about it, I thought maybe someone could give a little insight on this situation.

For the last month or more, I have been dealing with some major anxiety and what felt like mild depression. I'm not even sure why. I really am happy in my marriage and with my kids. I have had some issues in other relationships in my life, but mainly, everything is going great! I haven't had the energy for anything and have been extremely on edge, which anyone who is a parent knows is not good with kids. I haven't "lost control", but have felt very close to it. I thought that it was just the time of year with so many birthdays and Christmas, plus the stress of an infant. But a few days ago, I had the worst panic attack I have ever experienced. I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. And I was terrified for no reason! I thought that something really bad was going to happen to the girls, Jeremy, or my home. I couldn't stop crying. I finally fell asleep around 6am. Now, I am not one to lose control of myself like that, so I knew something wasn't normal. I talked with my sisters and my doctor. and I found out that post-partum depression can wait to show up til even 4 months later! I'm not saying I have that, but luckily, I have a doctors appointment Tuesday morning. I just want to feel at peace and have some relief. I am trying Kava and St. Johns Wort. I know that this is a common feeling for women with new babies and I feel support with other stories I have read. Just wondering if any other moms out there have experienced it this much later, and how you dealt with it?

Anyways, my life really is great! I'm trying to "weed" out some things in my life in this new year, starting with negative things and people. I am so tired of negativity, and I try to be there for people, but I can't do it if all it is negative. Also, trying to get my body back to pre-baby fit. That is going to be the hardest, since I HATE working out! Oh well...

say please...

                                                          Mckayla in the pilot's seat=)
                                                            Flying home to mommy
                                            Harper's Christmas present...we couldn't wait
                                                                Green peas...what???

It's getting soooo close to Christmas!!! I have absolutely loved buying for 2 kids this year, even though Harper really has no idea what's going on! So, lately...time is flying by in the Duell house! mckayla went to Disney World for the 1st time! And although I was super excited for her and definitely enjoyed the brea, I missed her terribly! We went on vacation 2 years ago without her and last year she went to Florida for the weekend with a good friend, but this time just felt different! I guess with having Harper, Mckayla has become more and more like a little girl, and not my baby. Sunday night, we cuddled on the couch, and I realized how much I have missed this with her. It's been a little hard for me to do the things I used to with her after having Harper. Harper, my sweet baby, has been nothing less of high maintenance which has limited me alot. So, man was it nice to just hold Mckayla like I used to. I love that kid and everyday she amazes me more and more! Jeremy took her to a movie last Thursday which I know she loved, since her daddy is the most special thing in the world to her! Hopefully during Christmas break, we can find lots of things to do outside of the house. And maybe Harper will cooperate! 

Now on to the "baby"...Harper is now eating solids twice a day!!! She LOVES her oatmeal, and is doing great with the veggies! I'm not too stressed about making sure she eats a certain amount, as long as I can get a couple of spoonfuls in her! So far, she loves everything she has tried: green beans, green peas, squash, and sweet potatoes! I'm so proud, and her belly is getting even bigger=) She is getting so big and is actually enjoying spending time with herself and her toys. That isn't to say that she doesn't love my "company" the most, because, trust me, that kid would rather be in my arms than anywhere else in the world!!! It just amazes me how 4 short months has changed everything! we now have a very active infant, who by the way, LOVES the little turtle in the Baby Einstein videos. She is rolling all over the place! She is doing great sleeping at night, most nights she sleeps a full 10 hours! And the Miracle Blanket...*sigh* we have let go of it! But...we are still "kinda" swaddling her. It was really hard having to wake up every hour with her to get her back to sleep without it. So, I decided to slowly wean her off the whole swaddling thing. I think it works better for all of us. And she is in no danger when she rolls over either. So, hopefully soon, she won't need it anymore, or we will just have to deal with a few nights of barely any sleep=)

Loving Christmas and this whole season!!!!

cha cha changes....

Harper is now 4 months old!!! Well, she turned 4 months on November 27th so I'm a little behind! But WOW, has time flown by! So, at her 4 month checkup...she now weighs 14lbs, 13oz!!! Chunker baby! 24 inches long, and very healthy! Her pedi said it was ok to start her on solids, which we had started cereal already. She loves veggies! Of course, she isn't eating much of them, but when she does, she loves it! I can't believe she is already eating baby food=(  We are also trying to wean her off the Miracle Blanket, which was definitely a miracle in the beginning. Now, it's just annoying! She can not sleep without it! Mainly because of her hands, they wake her up! But she is rolling over in her bed now, so I am trying to get her used to sleeping without it. First is nap time, which we have just been swaddling her arms only. Nighttime will eventually come. I don't know what to do, sometimes if I don't use it, she will scream and never go to sleep. Or cry and keep waking herself up. I wish I had never used it in the 1st place. So, any advice would help...

Mckayla left for Florida Sunday with her Grandma and Aunt Cindy. They are going to Disney World and will be back Wednesday! I wish I were with her=( but I know she is having a blast!!! 

So, Christmas shopping for the girls is DONE! so happy, although Harper was easy to shop for=) Now, I just need to get the husband done, and man, he is the hardest! Everything I think he will like, I always second guess myself. If only he weren't so darn picky... I'm so excited about Christmas this year! I remember last year sitting by the tree, telling Jeremy, "next year there will be 4 of us" and now it's here again! I'm actually going to cook a little dinner for us=) We usually go out for Japanese, but this year, I wanted to start a new tradition for our little family! 

So, Merry Christmas friends!!!

Harper laughs!!!!

Her first "real" laugh! Yes, I am growling at her, but for some reason, she thought it was hilarious!!!

So much to be thankful for...

Wow, what a month!!! We have celebrated numerous birthdays, including mine. Also, mine and Jeremy's 7th anniversary!!! Crazy, huh!!! Love that guy! We really didn't get to celebrate much, since he was working that day and night. But the Friday before we were able to get a sitter and have dinner...ALONE, which any moms out there know how precious that time is! 7 years later, I think I am more in love with him than ever!

So, the girls...Mckayla had all of last week off and it was a bit of a challenge since Harper and I follow such a routine. But all in all, it was fun. We spent some time at my parents helping get things ready for Thanksgiving, and Mckayla loved it! Next Sunday she is going to be gone for 4 days with Jeremy's mom and her Aunt Cindy to Disney World! She is so excited and I am as well! She hasn't been yet, and although I wish I was gong with her, I think this is something she needs right now! I'm gonna miss her like crazy though! 

Harper...oh Harper. She is something else! She just turned 4 months old(time is freaking flying!!) and we are trying cereal now. Omg...I don't know what to do! I can get maybe 3-4 little spoonfuls and then she screams like crazy!! I'm taking her to her 4mnth checkup tomorrow so we have LOTS of questions for her pediatrician! Other than that, we are having so much fun learning new things together and watching her grow is so amazing! 

Thanksgiving was ok. Jeremy had to be at work at 2pm, so he only had an hour to eat and spend time with the family! We had about 30 family members there and it was wonderful getting to catch up on everyone's lives! And I finally learned how to make my momma's dressing! YAY! and YUM! 

My sister, dad, and I got up at 3am and did the Black Friday thing...craziness! But well worth it! I got lots of stuff and saved lots of money! Christmas is pretty much done! We are not going overboard, but the things I really wanted were all on sale! It was pretty funny seeing my dad in the midst of all the chaos. I still can't believe he went with us! 

So, life is pretty good. I love the holidays!!!